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Big D    It means that the conclusion is a fact only if the assumptions upon which it is based are true.   It’s like we talked about earlier regarding the anti-abortionist claim that an individual human life begins at the instant of conception.°   When a conclusion is based on a belief only and when it has no factual evidence to support it, then that conclusion is also only a belief.

T.L.C.    That's a bit confusing.   Can you give me an example?

Big D    Sure.   I'll use three of Augustine's own assumptions,

              1)  "Humans are inherently evil because Eve ate fruit from 
                     the forbidden tree,"

              2)   "The more you suffer the closer you are to God."  and

               3) The only way to obtain God's grace is to avoid having sex.”

There is no evidence to support any of these assumptions.   Thus any conclusion based on these assumptions is also only an assumption.   For example the conclusion that "sex is evil"  is only an another un-provable assumption.

Regarding the anti-sexual stance of Christianity, the gap between their conclusion and the reality-foundation it’s based on is filled with several [often unspoken] make-believe stories.   It’s like building a two-story house and leaving out the first floor.

T.L.C.    I get it.   You are saying that this entire list of beliefs, proclamations, and assumptions are like the buildings foundation, and every single one of them must be absolutely true and factual in order to support the top of the building, which in this case are the anti-abortionist’s anti-sexual proclamations?

Big D    Yup.   They have their anti-sexual proclamations stacked on top of a rather tall house of beliefs, and assumptions.   In addition to the three assumptions of Saint Augustine that I just mentioned, Adam and Eve must have actually eaten a forbidden apple or have done whatever that metaphor symbolizes.   God must have been angry and punished them.   And, here’s the kicker.   God must be a sadistic, unforgiving, hypocritical, greedy, angry, stupid, lying son of a bitch.   

And by the way, God is also the world's cruelest, vilest, and most heartless baby murder.  He's the only world leader still forcing women to have abortions against their will,  but that's another story for another time.

T.L.C.    Wait! Wait a minute.   What’s with this slanderous talk about God?   Where does that come in?

Big D    Well, just look for one short minute at what’s going on here.   God set this whole thing up didn’t He?

T.L.C.    I guess so.

Big D    What do you mean, you guess so?    It was God who created heaven and Earth?   Or did I miss something?

T.L.C.    Well, that’s how the story’s told.

Big D    So, if the God/Creation story is true, then God’s the one responsible for creating Original Sin, then, isn’t He?

T.L.C.    I suppose so.

Big D    Suppose so!   Get real Stoney.   Who, according to the Christian Bible, is the creator of everything?

T.L.C.    God.

Big D    Then who is the creator of original sin?

T.L.C.    God.

Big D    Well then, it can only be that God is a sadistic, unforgiving, hypocritical, greedy, angry, stupid, lying son of a bitch.

T.L.C.    That’s no way to talk about God.   God will get angry at us for talking like that.   We’re supposed to fear Him and worship Him.   Lightning could strike us down at any moment.

Big D    That’s the anti-abortionist’s belief about God you’re talking about and not God Him/Herself.   The God Beings I know think this whole anti-sex thing is rather laughable.   And besides, if the ultimate, Source-of-All (God)  is such an egomaniac that He needs our adoration and is such a shmuck that He gets pissed over a little humor, then we’re all in deep trouble.

T.L.C.    OK, tell me why you called God all those vile names.

Big D    Well, to start with, only a sadistic son of a bitch would lay guilt, shame, and punishment on billions of people who had absolutely nothing to do with eating that apple.   According to the anti-abortionist's version of Christian Theology, all these billions of people weren’t even created when this so-called-crime was committed.

T.L.C.    Because Eve ate an apple, God is now, thousands of years later, still creating everyone evil?

Big D    Yep! That’s the story.   Wouldn’t you think after all the thousands and thousands of years, any God worthy of the name would be willing to forgive and forget? — to let bygones be bygones?   Nope!   Not this spiteful pit viper.   He holds the absolute record for holding onto the longest grudge in all of creation.

And talk about hypocrites!   This idiot preaches forgiveness and even sends His own flesh and blood kid right down here to Earth to preach to all of you to be forgiving, and all the while, that hypocritical horse’s ass sits up there on that lily white cloud of his and holds a grudge since the very beginning of creation.   That must be the record for the most blatant hypocrisy of all time.

And also, that must have been one hell of an apple.   Just think, to top all this off, the greedy pig has a whole damned tree full of apples.   And besides, He’s all-powerful.   He can create a million more trees full of apples, and yet this selfish pig can’t spare just one little apple.

T.L.C.    You forgot lying.

Big D     Oh yeah. I’m getting a little carried away here.   This God claims to be forgiving.   He says, “Pray to Me for forgiveness, and I’ll forgive you.”   Well, He sure is lying about that.   If He won’t forgive and forget just one bite out of just one little apple, He’s certainly not forgiving, the lying lizard!   Just think for a moment about all those poor, un-forgiven, former Catholics He has burning in hell for eating meat on Friday.   And what other transgression has He professed to forgive and is still secretly and grudgingly holding onto?   You’d better cover your ass when this clown’s around.

And did you ever wonder what kind of God would put a forbidden tree right there under Eve’s nose?   Everyone knows women are curious creatures.   You ever seen women in a shopping mall.   They go around looking at things, touching things.   And this stupid son of a bitch puts a forbidden tree right there in the middle of an Eden shopping mall.   What did He expect, the dumb clod!

And then there’s the little deal with Adam.   Now Adam, like any loving guy, wants to please his woman, so like most any man who has a loving woman in his life, he’ll do almost anything to please her.   So for nothing more than loving and pleasing Eve, Adam gets the death penalty and also gets his complete ass kicked clear out of Paradise.   Talk about the punishment not fitting the crime, whew!

And not only that, if this God-character was going to get pissed if someone touched His precious tree, wouldn’t you think He’d have been smart enough to put the freekin’ tree someplace else, unless of course, the whole thing was a setup, which it almost certainly was.

T.L.C.    Why do you say that?

Big D    Because this con artist, who has gall enough to claim himself to be a loving, forgiving God, also claims to be all knowing, and also claims to know ahead of time what someone’s going to do.   So He obviously knew way ahead of time that Eve was going to take a bite out of that stupid apple.   Talk about entrapment? Wow!   What a psycho screw-up this God is!

T.L.C.    Are you sure you're talking about God, here?   This so-called-god sounds to me more like a carnival con man.

Big D    Well to use an old cliché, "I certainly wouldn't  buy a used car from him."

T.L.C.   Do you suppose there could be a few things about God that the Anti-abortionists don't know?

Big D   Yes.   They apparently don't even know their own Bible.

T.L.C.   What do you mean?

Big D   I'll let that book speak for itself:  

Ecclesiastes 11:5, RSV

"As you do not know how the spirit comes to the bones in the womb of the woman with child, so you do not know the work of God who makes everything.”

Genesis 2:7

"And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul."

T.L.C.    Is there anything else?

Big D    Are you kidding!   There’s plenty more.°     Here’s still another part of the con job that this jack-jerk was pulling.   What did he tell Eve about the consequences of eating that stupid apple?   Absolutely nothing!   He told Adam, and he told Adam before Eve was even created.   So we don't know for sure what's really going on, and we don't who and what the snake is and where it came from.

T.L.C.    Why do you say that?

Big D    Because God also claimed that everything He made was good.   And then out of nowhere this evil snake character pops into the story.

T.L.C.    Sounds like things are getting a bit confusing here.

Big D    Indeed, they are.   Do you know what he told Adam?

T.L.C.     “…in the day that you shall eat of it, you shall surely die.” [Gen 2:17]

Big D    And so here’s where the world’s first recorded lies-of-omission come in.   God didn’t tell either eve or Adam that if they ate the apple they’d also become like God.   All he said was they’d surely die, and He also withheld knowledge that He’s got another tree hidden somewhere that if Adam and Eve find it and also eat it’s fruit they, like the Gods, [ Gods plural] will live forever. (Genesis3:22-23) . ^[1]

T.L.C.     So to become God-like and live forever all Adam and Eve Had to do was eat from both trees.

Big D    That’s what the Good Book says.   So now we learn that this God-character plunks a death-sentence tree right under Eve’s nose and He’s got a second save-their-lives tree hidden some place that Eve doesn’t know about.   And so, when Adam and Eve eat the deadly fruit, just like he already knows there going to do, how does this sadistic, son of a bitch respond?   Does he give them the fruit from the anti-dote tree and save their lives?   Not this murderous slime ball.   He heaps all kinds of grief and misery onto them and then kicks them out of the garden and let’s them die a slow death.  [Gen 3:15-24]  

And not only that, He’s obviously lied again.   He originally said, “in the day that you shall eat of it, you shall surely die.” [Gen 2:17]   Well if “day” means a Monday, Tuesday kind of day, then He’s a freekin’ liar.

T.L.C.    Why do you say that?

Big D    Because Adam lived for 930 years. [Gen 5:5]   Which bring up another issue.   If a day, according to Genesis 2:17, doesn’t mean a Monday, Tuesday kind of day, then how long were each of the seven days of creation?

T.L.C.    So there are conflicting statements within the Bible about how long a day is?   

Big D    Yup!  Genesis 2:17 versus Genesis 5:5.   This is still another example of where two different stories could both be right, so you have to bring your mind into your religion to deal with this conflict.

T.L.C.    Explain please.

Big D    OK.   Most likely, the seven days of creation, refer to seven cycles and not to seven Earth days like Monday Tuesday, Wednesday, etc., but none of this really matters because when you step outside of time, when you step into “the realm where God dwells,” seven Earth days and seven billion years become the same thing.   They both become no time at all.

T.L.C.    So the creationists and the evolutionists are both right.

Big D    If you can step outside of your belief box and enter The Beginner’s Mind,. ^[2]  then yes, both are correct.

T.L.C.    And what else?

Big D    There's still the unanswered question of what was it that Eve and Adam actually ate.   If, as some claim, that the forbidden fruit was actually "the knowledge of good and evil," then perhaps God should eat a bushel  of those apples himself.   From his behavior, one could easily conclude that God, Himself, does not yet know the difference.   In a world where love, care, consideration for others, consistency, predictability, and dependability are valued human characteristics in any close relationship,  God, ranks between zero and F-.  

T.L.C.    Anything else?

Big D    Well, there’s this multi-God business.   If there is only one “God,” then where do these other Gods come from that we read about in Genesis 3:22, 6:4, and 6:11?   And the Bible says Jesus had brothers who were Gods and Earthly brothers who were human males.   What do you suppose the difference was between the two types of brothers?

And then there’s this conflict between the truth and lies of omission.   At one point, here’s God withholding the truth about two trees, withholding the fact that eating their fruit can mean knowledge and eternal life, and then sentencing Adam and Eve to death for eating from only one of the trees.

Then later in the same book, God sends His Son Jesus to Earth with the message “Know the truth and the truth will set you free.”   That sounds like two different gods to me.

Doesn’t all this just kind of makes you wonder what’s true and what’s not?

T.L.C.     Sure does.

Big D    And did you ever wonder who made this idiot God, any way?

T.L.C.    Are you saying the God we know could be an imposter?

Big D    Just look for one short minute at this Original Sin business.   Would a genuine God do anything that absurd?   And look at the utter lack of communication skills this so-called God has.   He was probable a computer nerd.   Who else would write his instruction manual in a foreign language, leave out major pieces of information, and at the same time, make it self-contradicting and totally confusing?

T.L.C.    Big “D,” that’s not possible.   A computer nerd couldn’t have written the Bible.   There isn’t even one line written in geek-language that looks anything like this:

Go the ADM and put the second XJRY driver into the middle, binary- port, junction controller box.

Big D    OK, I concede that this god-imposter is not a computer nerd.

T.L.C.    You’re obviously forgetting about lawyers.   Perhaps this imposter is really a lawyer.

Big D    Oh yeah!   How could I forget my most active agents?   But an attorney couldn’t have written the Bible.

T.L.C.    Why not?

Big D    ‘cause the Bible’s way too short, and its far too easy to understand.

And on top of that, in this creation, I  have the sole franchise for creating attorneys, so this God-imposter couldn’t be an attorney.

T.L.C.    Well, He couldn’t have been a fundamentalist Christian either because there’s much too much sex in the Bible.   Everyone’s begetting all over the place.

Big D    Yeah, sex!   With all this begetting business in the Bible, do you suppose the real God did a little begetting of his own?    How do you think the real God created Jesus and all his other kids?

T.L.C.    He created Jesus through Mary.

Big D    Not if you believe the Bible.

T.L.C.    What do you mean?

Big D    The Bible says God sent His son to Earth, and you can’t send something that doesn’t exist, so Jesus must have been created prior to getting sent here.   And not only that, God’s got a whole bunch of kids.

T.L.C.    Jesus had siblings?   Where did they come from?

Big D     From God.

T.L.C.    If God’s the father, then who’s the mother?

Big D    Don’t know about the mothers, but paternity’s listed right in the Bible.   It says that the sons of God came to Earth and had sex with the sexually attractive Earth women, and the Earth women had babies.  [Genesis 6:2 & 6:4]

T.L.C.    So I might be a direct descendent of God.

Big D    Yup!   God may be your great—to the N^th generation—grandfather.

T.L.C.    And man was created in the image of God, so the god-kids could still be coming here and we wouldn’t even know it.   Wow!   What if those God-kids are still coming here?

Big D    Then God, His-own-direct-Self could be your grandfather.   Kind of makes you wonder what Jesus was and what he did and where he was before he got the Earth assignment.   Also makes you kind of wonder if reincarnation just might be real.   Why did God have Mary build a body for him?   Why didn’t he just come like his god-brothers came?

T.L.C.    Are you being a smart ass?

Big D    Me?   Heavens no!

T.L.C.    You could have fooled me.

Big D    Yeah, oh so easily.   But, we’re getting off track here, so let’s get back to looking for an imposter god.   We know that God, while playing in some other part of this immensely vast universe, created a whole family of sons and daughters.   And what if just one of them was a real black sheep.

      Think back a couple hundred years ago, and recall what the Europeans did with misfits and criminals.   They didn’t do like the sadistic bastards do today.   They didn’t build them a hotel with bars and stick their asses in there as punishment.   Hell no!  They just shipped the unwanted bastards off to the farthest-away place they could find.   They just shipped those suckers off to places like Australia.

         Well, just imagine for a moment that this remote corner of the universe where little, old, planet Earth spins around in circles is the Universe’s equivalent of 19th-century Australia.   And suppose the real God caught one of his kids selling indulgences or committing some other kind of scam.   You can hardly imagine any real loving and forgiving God using capital punishment on his own kid, even if the kid was the runt of the litter or the black-sheep son.   So what would He do with a misfit delinquent?   He’d probably just do the God-equivalent of kicking his butt out of the house.   He’d banished the brat to some far corner of the universe, saying, “You stay there until you learn a thing or two.”

         So now here’s God’s delinquent kid off in the middle of nowhere and with no one watching over him to see that he doesn’t pull any more shenanigans.   And so while roaming around in this remote corner of creation, he runs smack dab into your gullible ancestors.   So what does junior do?

         Seeing a bunch of easy marks, he proceeds to set up shop on Earth.   He tells all these incredibly gullible humans that he’s God, not just a god, but The God — the final be-all, end-all, shmoozz-all, absolute one-and-only God — God, His Almighty, Self.   Then he proceeds to do all those absolutely absurd things we just talked about regarding that stupid apple.   And who knows what all else he’s managed to pull off?    

T.L.C.    What do you mean?   

Big D     When you look a scams and crimes pulled off by those who hold positions of power, you be wise to remember The Iceberg Principle.

T.L.C.    What's that?

Big D     You know that an iceberg is only twenty percent above water and the underwater part is invisible to the casual observer.    When you find a so-called public servant's been taping the public treasury, running scams, playing dirty tricks or pulling off other shenanigans,  you can bet your ass that what you find out about  is only a small fraction of what he's been doing.

T.L.C.    You mean like all that begetting in the Bible?

Big D     Yes, that's a good example.   What would you do if you were an unscrupulous, misfit imposter let loose in a king’s harem?

T.L.C.    Do you want an honest answer?

Big D    No, don’t bother answering.   Begat, begat, begat says it all.

         So, what if this character who’s been telling us He’s God is not the real God?   What if this guy is just one of God’s kids pretending he’s the real God?   Compared to humans, it doesn’t take much to be smarter, and it doesn’t take much looking to come up with enough tricks to con a bunch of superstitious dudes living in tents and mud huts.   So if this guy claiming to be God actually was an imposter, would you or any other human being be wise enough to know the difference?   And particularly, would anyone in the superstitious, ancient, agrarian, Middle Eastern culture of 2,000 years ago know the difference?

         Now, wouldn’t you think that the apple story and the anti-sex scam would be something more like one of God’s delinquent kids would pull and not the actions of a real, honest-to-goodness, loving and forgiving God?   Remember, Jesus’ words, “By your fruits shall ye know them.”   

The fruits that this so-called God dropped smell like manure.   I say he's a phony kid-god who conned a bunch of gullible humans.   That's not to say folks in those days were stupid.   It's just that they didn't understand how the universe works, so when this con artist, make-believe god came along, they had no way to know that he was just a counterfeit kid.

T.L.C.    Your explanation of this parable sounds like a much more reasonable and believable explanation than Augustine’s Original Sin version.

Big D    Sure does!   And did you ever wonder where the so-called snake came from.   That snake wasn’t me, and although you have no basis on which to believe me, that’s the truth.    I was on planet Eros having a sexual fling with six Vinona women at the time.

         And speaking of snakes, that reminds me, in addition to being a sadistic, unforgiving, hypocritical, greedy, angry, stupid, lying son of a bitch, this kid-god-imposter must also be completely irresponsible.

T.L.C.    Why do you say that?

Big D    Because a real God would fess up and take responsibility when he screwed up.   Well, not this imposter dude.   He blames the whole freekin’ apple fiasco on a snake and then, to justify his claim and prove his power, he punishes the snake, and again, he does his punishment for all eternity and onto all the snakes descendants.   So can you imagine worshiping a hopelessly incompetent, ham-fisted god like that?

T.L.C.    No.

Big D    So when you look at all this foolishness, you’ve just got to conclude that we’re dealing with a black sheep, god-kid-imposter and not the real God.

T.L.C.    Are there any other possibilities? 

Big D    Can you think of anyone else who else would be angry, greedy, unforgiving, sadistic, and hypocritical enough to use lies, cons, and withholds as their stock in trade and then discount others and allow them to die needlessly?

T.L.C.    Ummm?   Ahhhh.   Ya,  I’ve got it!

Big D    Got what?

T.L.C.    I just figured out who this imposter-god is.   All the characteristics and activities fit perfectly the description of the ego-atheists°  who run the world.   The god-imposer is an ego-atheist.

Big D    That’s a very logical conclusion. 

Section 52

Saint “Anti-Sexual” Augustine

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T.L.C.    Yes, I think so… No. Wait a minute…   That can’t be.   There’s another missing piece.

Big D    What’s missing?

T.L.C.    I clearly remember you telling me that the human mind can know with absolute certainty, absolutely nothing about the nature of God. ^[3]    

Big D    Yes.   So. . .?

T.L.C.    You also, almost in the same breath, said “Since God is unknown and unknowable to the human mind, then anything any human says about God is really a statement about the speaker.”

Big D    Did I say that?

T.L.C.    Yes.

Big D    Then it must be true ‘cause I never lie.

T.L.C.    That’s a lie.   You do lie.

Big D    And so I do.   And that’s the truth!

T.L.C.    So you did say that, or not?

Big D    Well actually, Stoney, if you look back in your notes, you’ll find that those were your words, not mine.   I just happened to agree with their accuracy.

T.L.C.    OK, regardless of which one of us spoke the words, they’re accurate?

Big D    Yes.

T.L.C.    Then, if God’s unknown and unknowable, what’s all this talk we hear from the anti-abortion promoters about them knowing what God wants the rest of us to do?   How do they know?

Big D    Obviously, they don’t… unless of course they do.

T.L.C.    Do they have some special connection to God?

Big D    Obviously, they don’t… unless of course they do.

T.L.C.    Now you’re being a smart ass again.

Big D    That I am…  unless of course, I’m not.

         Well, there’s one thing that all of them always manage to hear from God, and they always remember to tell their followers.   I guess you know what that is?

T.L.C.    Uhh!   Not money again.

Big D    Of course!   So, Stoney, given that humans can know with absolute certainty, absolutely nothing about God, is you conclusion about the nature of the imposter God a reasonable hypothesis?

T.L.C.    Since all the characteristics and activities of the imposter God fit perfectly the description of the ego-atheists who run the world, then the god-imposer actually could be a very clever ego-atheist.

Big D    With a little help from some of those other gods that were mentioned in Genesis 3:22.   Pure speculation, I might add, and, at the same time, a very logical conclusion.   Let’s just leave it at that—at least for now.

T.L.C.    OK, back to finishing up with anti-sex and Augustine.   What do we make of all this belief, proclamation, forbidden fruit, and saint stuff?   We haven’t even got past the first of a long list of assumptions in this story and already the whole thing sounds like a Keystone Cops, slapstick comedy.

Big D    Well, perhaps it is.   But then, you have to be the judge of that, not me. 

T.L.C.    Please tell me about this Augustine character.

Big D    Saint Anti-Sexual Augustine is the same character who proclaimed, “The more you give up, the closer you get to God.”   He’s the same character who, as a young man, was hornier than a Hackensack hen in heat.   He’s the same character who prayed to God: "Give me chastity and continence, but not just now."

T.L.C.    He actually prayed like that? 

Big D    That’s what he wrote in his book, Confessions, but none of that matters.

T.L.C.    Why not?

Big D    Because his writings were a focal point around which the Roman Catholic Church consolidated its power and domination of the then-known world, so the Church proclaimed him to be a Saint.

         His anti-sexual writings inspired what became know as Puritanism.   His anti-sexual writings also inspired the establishment of what today is called the missionary position for sexual intercourse, i.e., the woman on her back, the man on top, in the dark, three-minute-max, and for procreation purposes only.

T.L.C.    Are you saying that his writings are the foundation upon which the anti-abortionists base their anti-sexual proclamations?

Big D    It appears that way.   But again, please don’t believe any of this.   Please ask the anti-sexual anti-abortionists directly.   Let them tell you their truth.

T.L.C.    I’ll make a note to do just that.

Big D    There’s just one little thing more about all this peddling grief and misery stuff.

T.L.C.    What’s that?

Big D    Think for a moment about the implications Saint Augustine’s statement, “The more you give up, the closer you get to God.”

T.L.C.    What implications?

Big D    I’ll explain this with an example.   The next time you see some homeless person sleeping in an alley, or some poor bastard eating out of garbage can, you just walk right up to him and tell him how lucky he is because he’s real close to God.   And don’t you feed him or give him your old coat because that would push him away from God, and you certainly don’t want to be responsible for leading anyone away from God.   You could go to the anti-abortionist’s hell for doing something as vile as leading someone away from God.

And then you just might want to ask yourself this.   If Saint Anti-Sexual Augustine came to a correct conclusion when he declared “The more you give up, the closer you get to God.” then just how close to God are all those anti-abortion promoters sitting there in their fancy homes with servants, riding in chauffeur-driven cars, and preaching in those multi-million dollar studios they bought with money they begged from their followers?

T.L.C.    Sounds to me like typical, dominator-manipulator, double-standard hypocrisy.

Big D    Amen.

T.L.C.    Shall we go on?

Big D    Do we really need to?   Haven’t you got the message yet?

T.L.C.    Not with this.   I mean shall we discuss something else?

Big D    Yes.   What’s your next question?

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Copyright © 2000   Revisions Copyright 2001-2004   Rev. Robert E.  Coté